Sabri Header1 Sabri Hakim: I want to cry my eyeballs dry while I vomit.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

I want to cry my eyeballs dry while I vomit.

I wish asking my grandfather “why didn't you stop the bombing?” sounded more rational. I stand behind my father grabbing his coat over looking the news from his shoulders, asking for comfort but he fails to reassure it.

I don't know what to say for so many reasons; Men have gone astray and left me speechless. Reality just struck like a whip of boiling wires on bare back skin. People have reached conclusions, and I still stand stiff on no grounds.

The public expressed their emotions, some on the streets in their cars playing "Jaishana" at maximum volume while others follow in silence contradicting them. Drivers were in cars beeping with bodies half way out of windows holding the Jordanian flag. This hospital public is too pure to be attacked in such ways. In the visits I’ve made to bombing locations I took pictures of demonstrators, some smiled at my lens because they didn’t know what else to do.

My first thoughts were concern over the economy and stock value, after absorbing it all now, I am sick to my stomach; I want to cry my eyeballs dry while I vomit. I’m disgusted it’s making me shiver.

I never knew the amount love I had for this country; it hit home I keep telling my self, these things do happen to normal people I keep telling my self, I want to bite hard on my teeth till they crack, I keep preventing my self.

I feel fear, hate, anger, frustration, I am worried. I feel betrayed. Life shouldn't just go on but it will, the day after the bombing I saw two undercover officers parking in the middle of the road, running down towards two bearded men who were walking. After slapping and shaking them to the ground, they apologized then returned to their pick up. I kept an eye on the bearded men as they adjusted their clothing; I recall the words of Edward Norton in Fight Club “I want to breathe smoke” and get the urge.

Life does go on I tell my self, it shouldn’t, but it must, and it will...
God bless

7 Comments:

Anonymous Michelle said...

Awwwww it'll be ok, I promise. Though the US is much bigger and not as unified as Jordan when 9/11 happened here believe me it reached every place all over the US. The pain, fear, disgust, anger and every other emotion is ok and expected. There is no right or wrong way to feel about this at all. This is a wound that will never go away but it will heal. This I do know. Nobody wants this to happen to anyone, ever. But unfortunately they do, and I'm sorry you have to go through this. You will adapt, adjust and get through this just not today or even next week. You won't forget but you will go on. That's the way it should be.

Good Luck,
Michelle

November 12, 2005 7:17 PM  
Blogger ghaloosh said...

i guess life won't be the same for the people who lost theie loved ones..
i spent the past two days looking outside the window and saw radisson sas looking as normal as it could be, but then i get hit by the fact that so many innocent people were killed at this place and suddenely i feel as u said sick...

November 12, 2005 7:54 PM  
Anonymous SC said...

I don't know what to say...
if it helps in anyway, i've read what you've written and its like i was there listening to you talking without moving ur lips. and i understand, i feel your pain...

hope what happened will never happen again, God bless Jordan and God bless you too.

November 12, 2005 9:24 PM  
Blogger Fadi Rayyan said...

Well we all got the same feeling! It took me a while to understand what happened!
I think we all are used to hear about someone bombed him self in Israel neighborhood .
I’ve never imagined something like that would happen in Islamic peaceful country between Muslims! How come did the terrorist believe that he is doing the right thing, how was he convinced?!
Maybe the answer would be that we aren’t living in peaceful world! We are watching much violence killing assassinations even if your living in peaceful country , u see that on TV,news paper , and the internet . We see like that everyday! So it makes it easy for them I think!
I just wonder how kids will react ,behave and how their personality would be when they grow up!

November 12, 2005 10:02 PM  
Anonymous omarymous said...

Want your revenge?

Act and feel as if nothing had happened. That should make any terrorist involved feel useless.

November 13, 2005 10:03 AM  
Blogger Assorted Babble by Suzie said...

God Bless you..

November 16, 2005 5:58 AM  
Blogger sahana said...

cannot express...just read and am mute.. Jordon is going to be back on its feet... its the strength of the people..keep faith!

November 24, 2005 8:11 AM  

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